Amazing constructive criticism guys, I've never seen anyone give such useful information regarding someone's work. Great job MoD.
Ria, your work is really good. Your detailed description on the characters' surroundings and actions make it easy for me to imagine them. I've really found nothing wrong with this story. And I think this could pretty much be a masterpiece compared to most of the crap I usually find on the internet. The first chapter was, surprisingly short. Did you lose your inspiration? Because this story really has potential.
Yep, you should probably make most of my comments on your story because it probably would be the last good critique you're gonna get. Unless someone says, "AAWEZOMZ STORIEZZ!!!" then maybe you can find something there that can help you improve on your story.
The paragraph above and below have been specially made by a big bowl of sarcasm (in case some people think too much to read something literally rather than understanding the real message behind it).
Thank you Rekky. And chapter 1 was short because.... well I was tired and ran out of steam. Chapter 2 should be up here and on BZP by the end of the week.
Will you stop blackmailing me about this? I mean, you don't have to say: "don't ____ or no chapter three for Mod." Anyway, it's a lot better than my tat. On the subject, I've decided to update the three of them in 2008 and/or when Ria's epic finishes. I don't want to give away the ending with what I write. The ending's really good, and I can't wait.
Will you stop blackmailing me about this? I mean, you don't have to say: "don't ____ or no chapter three for Mod." Anyway, it's a lot better than my tat. On the subject, I've decided to update the three of them in 2008 and/or when Ria's epic finishes. I don't want to give away the ending with what I write. The ending's really good, and I can't wait.
A while ago, while Ria was writing the origional version of this (on paper), I gave him the idea for an entrance for vorsis in chapter 2. Sadly this didn't leave the drawing board, so i'll write it here (or at least, my rendering):
Suddenly the room grew cold. Icicles formed under the balconies and in the rafters. The candles on the tables were blown out by a chilling breeze. Silence swept accross the room, only the click, click of metal talons on stone floor were audable. Heads turned to face the new arrival, a makuta with a metal bird's skull kanohi. His expressionless green eyes stayed locked on the table where Ria and Takal sat, his ragged cape flowing in the icy wind he left in his wake. In his left hand he held a scythe, the other hand empty, as the weapon it carried lay on a belt around the makuta's back. The weapon was named Wailing Doom, named because as it swung towards its next victim, the souls of the previous ones, imprisoned in the blade, wailed a warning. The weapon was black, and the sharpened edge shone with all the colours of shadow. Three masks had been forged into it. A mask of strength, a mask of intangability and a mask of dimensional gates. The weapon cleaved easily through any material or dimensional boundary to reach its intended victim. The makuta had reached Ria's table. It said, in a voice most beings only expect to hear just after death, a voice from the nightmares of Tren Krom himself, in a voice that summed up its owner: cold, dark and deep "Are there any cookies left?"
Last Edit: Jun 19, 2011 11:46:06 GMT -5 by Kokua aviatrix
Not that I want to rush perfection, but could you pleeeese hurry up. I want to continue Takal, Avak and The other RIA in 2009 but I don't want to give your ending away, and they're dying and I don't want to write them again so I can continue them.
Edit: I've started writing Avak's updates in 2009, but I can't type them up onto here until you finish.
Ria, is it pure coincidence that the name of your story is also the name of checkpoint Bravo on the last level of Halo 3?
I decided to write this here instead of bumping our review topic, because it is relevent to the goings on after this story has ended: In 2009, our storyline will go forward between the three stories I've already written. These will be the accounts of Takal, Nuara, RIA and Avak in Bara Magna (or in Nuara's case, Metru Nui) Each post will be numbered, so part one of the story would be in Avak, part two in Takal, and so on. Takal will be split into two parts. the accounts of Takal, and those of Nuara. I can't give away much, becase it would reveal Ria's masterplan.
Edit: I've decided it would be easier to write this in one single story in a new topic. Much easier to understand.
Just don't read my new story (coming in three weeks) until Ria finishes this. It's hard not to give away the ending. This will make sense when Ria's epic ends
You should see the real Vorsis. We made all of the characters, and upgraded Avak, Jaller etc. Vorsis' skull is a really terrifying bird's head, made with a silver Avohkii, some bohrok tusks and eyes and some ball joints. We're currently having a competition for the best Torix, and I'm gonna win! We haven't got any pictures because Ria has a camera, but can't get it to my house, and I don't have a camera, but I have so many charicters that I can't get them over for a group shot. Anyway, what's with 'Light of Sona Nui?' It's nothing against the 'Karzahnii' gunship.
Anyways, that's not what this topic is for, so back to Ria! Ria? Ria? RIA!?!?!
Sorry for the double post, but this is coming along really slowly. By the time this is finished, Greg Farshtey will be long dead. I'm writing spoiler warnings in After the End about an ending to this many of us will not live to see.
